Great series of posts about Aaron. I really don't know what to say besides that I'm so sorry for your loss & the pain you're feeling.

Mike.

Aaron was both imminently crushworthy and very loved. You can cry on my shoulder anytime, mama. I don't know about you, but I am thinking about doing something...something involving amazing vegan cake, possibly some Rasputina / Joss Whedon / Samuel Delany / other things he liked, and most likely a long juicy cry, sort of a cross between a futile attempt at making up for that Austin visit with him that we never got to have (but that would have kicked ass so hard) and a memorial. Though I'll have to draw the line at drinking Red Bull, I will give the vodka due consideration. Don't know if you'd be able to get out of the house kid-free, but if so, let me know. It's not the sort of thing I could properly do alone.

Whatever happens, I hope you get some of the space and alone time and adult time that you need through this. Let me know if I can help in any way.

I am sorry-there are some things which we can never understand-take care Dru.

Dru, I'm so taken aback right now. When someone that I haven't met before touches me in so many ways like this....it's hard for me to fight back tears.

I echo the same sentiments you have. Much love.

It hurts my heart that he felt so hopeless. Hugs to you, his family and the rest of his friends.

I just want to thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings and experiences about and with Aaron because each of us experienced him in a slightly different way. I always knew that he had so many admirers and kept telling him so, but he would always brush that away, I don't think because he didn't believe it, but because he couldn't feel it. The reason he couldn't feel it, I think, was because he was so numb and frightened and feeling alone and near the end the burden was just too heavy for him, that he just felt so powerless and so talentless.

Even though we all know how powerful and talented Aaron was. How he brought together in his own way an incredibly diverse group of people, his legacy, and he will live on in our love for him and telling those stories is an act of courage (because I find myself unable to tell them, it is so hard for me because I break down) and an act of supporting each other.

You have us to lean on. We are here for you. The friends of Aaron who maybe you never knew, but we knew Aaron and Aaron knew you so we have a bond and we can all reach out to each other if we want. My hand is open for anyone who needs it, my shoulder ready to cry on, my arms open for anyone who needs warmth and safety.

Aaron wanted us all to be happy to experience joy, I know that. It's okay that we are sad now. I am devastated, hysterical, numb. But we can reach out to each other and help each other to cope with this. Aaron wasn't selfish, I know that. (I don't know why I feel I need to say that, other than "conventional wisdom" is that suicide is a selfish act, but I don't believe in conventional wisdom anymore because it so often doesn't apply to my life.)

I'm sorry, I don't have a nice tidy ending to what I'm trying to say, because I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just miss Aaron so much and all I have left are chat logs and the links to other people who knew him, some way better than I, some not so much. But I don't think Aaron would have made that distinction, that it's not a contest.

I am wishing for you strength and hope and the time and serenity to cope with this as you need to. Thank you for sharing your stories and words. They helped me immensely.

Love,

Hanna

i am with you in spirit despite any drifting i've done or seemed to do. you remain to me as bright a light in the same sky (a difference was made, has been made, is being made, and will continue) --

the passion for change is alive.

goddamnit how can he be gone he was such an unfuckedup part of this world! stupid needy world greedy world it took too much of him & now & now ...

/outburst

i'm with you, in spirit, for what it's worth.

oh sweetie. i'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I know we didn't agree on a lot of things, but we agreed on one thing -- we both cared about Aaron. A lot.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I had better words.

So sad to hear of Mr. Hawkins' apparent suicide.

For anyone out there who has struggled with or is currently experiencing symptoms of depression and possibly has even contemplated suicide, please

know that help is available, and there is no

need to feel ashamed about being depressed.

You are not alone, and there is help for you out there. If you are in pain and feel overwhelmed,

don't give up. It may take a few steps to get the help you need but keep trying. You can be

happy and feel good again. I know. I've been there. Good luck and remember, you are meant to be here and life is worth living.

Suicide Prevention Hotline

1-800-SUICIDE

1-800-784-2433

Toll-Free Nationwide USA

24 hours / 7 days a week

http://www.spanusa.org/phnumb.html

DISCLAIMER:

Listed telephone numbers are not under the control of SPAN USA.

SPAN USA is not responsible for the action or inaction of persons

who answer any phone number provided within this list.

SPAN USA provides these phone numbers only as a convenience.

The inclusion of any phone number/link does not imply SPAN USA

endorsement of the responses received from these phone numbers.

NOTE: Where available, links to web stites are provided.

Catagories Available

Suicide Crisis

Survivor Support

Suicide Prevention

Depression

Mental Health

Miscellaneous

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Crisis Telephone Numbers

The National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

The Kristin Brooks Hope Center is the program manager of the

National Hopeline Network

The National Hopeline Network: .

National Suicide Helpline Listings:

This site provides a state by state listing of suicide prevention and

emotional crisis hotlines.

Listing for Suicide Hotlines

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Prevention Telephone Numbers

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: 1-888-333-2377

Suicide Prevention Research

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is dedicated to

advancing our knowledge of suicide and our ability to prevent it.

AFSP

American Association of Suicidology: 1-202-237-2280

"Suicide & Life Threatening Behavior" Journal and other resources

American Association of Suicidology

The Link Counseling Center's National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention

and Aftercare - 1-404-256-9797

The Link offers short-term to long-term therapy. In addition, a number of support

groups and educational programs are offered.

The Link

National Orginazation for People of Color Against Suicide - NOPCAS: 1-866-899-5317

NOPCAS is a 501c (3) organization founded

by three African-American suicide survivors.

Its goals are to bring suicide and depression

awareness to minority communities that have

historically been discounted from traditional awareness programs.

NOPCAS

National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center

- 1-866-SAFEYOUTH (723-3968)

Together, the NYVPRC Web site and the call center,

serve as a user-friendly, single point of access to federal

information on youth violence prevention and suicide.

CDC National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center

Suicide Information & Education Center: 1-403-245-3900

The Centre for Suicide Prevention has three main branches -

The Suicide Information & Education Collection (SIEC) is a

special library and resource centre providing information on

suicide and suicidal behaviour. The Suicide Prevention

Training Programs (SPTP) provide caregiver training in

suicide intervention, awareness, bereavement, crisis

management and related topics. Suicide Prevention

Research Projects (SPRP) advocates for, and supports

research on suicide and suicidal behaviour.

SIEC - Canada

Trevor Helpline - GLBT youth: 1-800-850-8078

24 Hour suicide hotline for gay youth.

The Trevor Project

Yellow Ribbon Suicide Prevention Project: 1-303-429-3530

Youth oriented suicide prevention.

Yellon Ribbon Suicide Prevention Project

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Survivor Support Telephone Numbers

Friends for Survival - Suicide Surviors talk line: 1-916-392-0664

Friends For Survival, Inc. is a national non-profit outreach organization

open to those who have lost family or friends by suicide and;

also to professional who work with those who have been touched by a suicide tragedy.

Friends for Survival

Jason Foundation-youth education: 1-888-881-2323

A nationally recognized leader in youth suicide

awareness and prevention.

The Jason Foundation

JED Foundation - 212-343-0016

A nonprofit public charity committed to

reducing the young adult suicide rate and

improving mental health support provided to

college students nationwide.

The Jed Foundation

Organization of Attempters and Survivors

Of Suicide and Interface Servitude - OASSISS

1-240-632-3055

We are working hard to prevent suicide,

increase suicide awareness and remove the

stigma on attempters and survivors.

OASSISS

SA\VE- Suicide Awareness\Voices of Education: 1-612-946-7998

SAVE's Mission is to educate about suicide and

suicide prevention, and eliminate stigma associated with suicide.

SA\VE

SOLES - Survivors of Law Enforcement Suicides

More law enforcement officers die each year by suicide than in the line of duty!

email:askt8@aol.com

The Samaritans - 212-677-3009

Samaritans is available 24 hours a day to provide confidential

emotional support for people who are experiencing feelings of

distress or despair, including those which may lead to suicide.

The Samaritans

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Depression Telephone Numbers

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance 1-800-826-3632

Formally The National Depressive and Manic Depressive Association

(NDMA), it is now the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.

DBS Alliance

National Depression Screening Project: 1-800-573-4433

A nonprofit organization developed to coordinate nationwide

mental health screening programs and to ensure cooperation,

professionalism, and accountability in mental illness screenings.

Mental Health Screening

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mental Health Telephone Numbers

The National Alliance for the Mentally Ill: 1-800-950-6264

Information and referral services

NAMI is a nonprofit, grassroots, self-help, support and advocacy organization

of consumers, families, and friends of people with severe mental illnesses,

such as schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, major

depressive disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic and other

severe anxiety disorders, autism and pervasive developmental disorders,

attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, and other severe and persistent

mental illnesses that affect the brain.

NAMI

National Mental Health Association: 1-800-969-NMHA(6642)

The National Mental Health Association is the country's oldest and

largest nonprofit organization addressing all aspects of mental health

and mental illness. With more than 340 affiliates nationwide, NMHA

works to improve the mental health of all Americans, especially the

54 million people with mental disorders, through advocacy, education,

research and service.

NMHA

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miscellenous Telephone Numbers

Al-Anon Meeting information: 1-888-425-2666

Alcohol and Drug Helpline: 1-800-821-4357

Provides referrals to local facilities

Child Abuse Prevention service: 1-800-422-4453

Child Abuse Prevention Services (CAPS) is a not for profit,

volunteer organization founded in 1982 to respond to the

growing problem of child abuse and neglect on Long Island,

New York. In 1995 CAPS created the Child Safety Institute,

providing innovative and comprehensive child safety and child

prevention programs and materials.

Kid Safe

Children of the Night: 1-800-551-1300

A 24 hour a day runaway crisis hotline. The hotline receives

telephone calls from children who have been raped, beaten,

have overdosed on drugs, or are trying to escape the streets.

Children of the Night

Compassionate Friends-parent grief: 1-630-990-0010

The Grief Watch site was created to provide bereavement resources,

memorial products and links that can help through a personal loss.

It also serves as an excellent educational tool for all who

travel down the road of grief.

Compassionate Friends

Cuting Yourself?: 1-800-366-8288

Domestic Violence Hotline (National): 1-800-799-7233

If something about your relationship with your partner

scares you and you need to talk, call the National Domestic

Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

National Domestic Violence

Friends of Battered women and their Children: 1-800-603-4357

To provide alternatives for women and their children who are

victums of domestic volence.

Friends

Gay and Lesbian National Hotline: 1-888-843-4564

Girls and Boys Town National Hotline and Help Line: 1-800-448-3000

Girls and Boys Town

Missing and Exploited Children National Hotline: 1-800-843-5678

NCMEC was established in 1984 as a private, nonprofit 501(c)(3)

organization to provide services nationwide for families and professionals

in the prevention of abducted, endangered, and sexually exploited children.

Missing">Missing">http://www.missingkids.com">Missing Kids

Norman Institute-gender orientation: 1-816-960-7200

Prevent Child Abuse: 1-800-244-5373

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network: 1-800-656-4673

Renfrew Center for Eating Disorders: 1-800-736-3739

Runaway Hotline (National) 1-800-621-4000