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« Zine Making | Main | I feel like a dork. »

Mindful Parenting.

May 24, 2003

This may come as a shocker to some of you *ha ha*, but I am somewhat...um...ok, EXTREMELY distractable. I think I've talked before about my overarching NEED to multi-task, and I tend to run in fits and spurts, where I have several ideas all at once, and if I don't act on them, they disappear.

Oddly enough, at the same time, if I set out to achieve a goal or perform a task, I REALLY FUCKING HATE to be interrupted. I'm not sure how that can exist alongside the need to multi-task, but perhaps it's more about predictable vs. unpredictable interruption - kind of along the same lines as the fact that I can't tickle myself, you know? I am capable of doing several things at once, as long as I get to control when my focus shifts.

While I don't believe these traits are necessarily negative, I'm discovering that this is interfering with my ability to parent mindfully. And, lately, with cy hitting a stage where he's almost always ON (and he no longer takes naps) parenting RESPECTFULLY has become a real struggle for me.

As a parent, I have really high standards for how I should treat my children, and I don't always live up to those standards. This has always been the case, and I'm fairly forgiving, as all parents need to be of themselves...but lately I find myself justifying my fuck-ups by telling myself "well, you are doing so much better than your parents did...so don't worry about it."

This worries me. So I feel like I need to take some time and really, truly reflect on what's going on and what I can do to kind of get more of a grip on how I am handling myself. And, guess what! You get to witness! Yay you!

OK, so here's what I'm thinking. Lately, a lot of the tension and stress has to do with cy's willfullness. He's very definitely developing a sense of the power he has to control certain situations by screaming or refusing or even outright misbehaving. Some of the most volatile moments we have had lately have been around bedtime. He gets tired, we lay down together, he nurses, and where he used to calmly drop into sleep, now he flops and flips and kicks and pinches and pokes and generally does whatever he can to avoid falling asleep.

Wait...I say "used to calmly drop into sleep" when I mean, on good days he falls into sleep - because I realize as I type this that this kind of bedtime restlessness has always existed with c, FROM BIRTH. The problem now is that I have all of these expectations that a child who is closer to 3 than 2 should a) be able to fall asleep without having a warm body next to him and b) be really fucking tired after having been awake for about 16 hours without a nap, and be ready to just go to fucking sleep without giving me so much damn trouble (see...there's that anger rearing its ugly head).

OK, I know both of these expectations are bullshit. I mean, they might very well be valid expectations, but they are obviously not true for c. And where I used to be able to just get out of bed when I realized resistance was futile, in hopes of trying again later, now I just lay there gritting my teeth, thinking "Damn baby damn no sleeping damn fucking needing me here damn shit hell damn fuck." Which I'm sure does wonders for that sleepytime vibe I'm trying to build up.

I remember all of the difficult sleep nights, when I used to just be able to lie in bed and concentrate on my breathing and count my breaths as I listened to cy try to match his breaths with mine, which is something that is so magical about cosleeping. I remember I would count to 60 once or twice, and if he hadn't at least calmed down by then, I would simply get up and go into the other room with him and we would try again later.

Here's something else that's going on now, though...I lay in bed, and my brain starts conjuring up all of these things that I COULD be doing if I wasn't laying there with cy, waiting for him to go to sleep. I almost NEVER fall asleep with him like I used to, and that's a sign that I almost NEVER allow myself to relax and let sleep come, which is probably interfering with his ability to relax AND is indicative of some of the other problems I'm having...

Because this sleep thing is really only the beginning. Lately I get so angry about the smallest things. I'm impatient with m's questions, I get pissed off at c's foibles, I get frustrated with the sounds they make and I'm slow to react when they call for me. I don't always act out this anger - thankfully, most of the time I am able to center myself, but I have been more snippy, and I've made some comments that I feel are at best not very positive and at worst downright demeaning.

In trying to figure out the root causes of this anger, I've come up with a list of things. While I understand that, ultimately, my anger is my responsibility...I think it's probably helpful to know where the other stress comes from that is more out of my direct control.

For one thing, cy is approaching that wonderful age of three, which is an anniversary for me. I was about his age when my parents started fighting pretty severely, and I am perhaps feeling like, with the difficulties in my relationship with their father, I'm already fucking up so bad that I feel hopeless about fixing that damage ?? or maybe it's just general stress from that anniversary

For another thing, I'm realizing tonight...since I decided to stay home rather than go out...that I hardly ever get to spend time in this house doing stuff I like to do without interruption. L gives me tons and tons of alone time - more than most parents I know get, but if I am home, it is generally assumed that I am "in charge" of the kids. He goes into his little hidey hole and locks the door and that's pretty much it. He'll poke his head out every once in awhile, but he generally avoids parenting duties. I tried to address this with him tonight, and he totally sees things differently. He's way wrong, and I'm hoping I can find a way to communicate with him that I need more time in the house without having to be present with the children at their every request. If for no other reason than that it would be nice to really FOCUS on cleaning the kitchen floor, you know?

Which leads to this next reason: we really don't have a lot of mom AND dad AND kid time around here. This is a direct result of having spent so much time on opposite shifts with L. We don't parent well as a team, unless it's a tag team. Which is fine, but I guess I'm struggling with the ideal notion of having this loving family all hanging out together and having fun. We are not this ideal. It's doubtful we ever will be this ideal. I need to just freaking get over this. hahahaha.

OK, so those are some of the external, out of my control things that I'm dealing with. Here are some internal things I need to work out to be more effective and mindful with the children:

Well, there's this book called Everyday Blessings that I probably should read. I cracked it awhile back, but it was when cy was still nursing and I had no time to finish it (although I somehow managed to read Jerry Mander's 5 arguments for the elimination of television during that same time period. Go figure.) That might be a good place to start.

I also really probably should go to see a therapist. Although my last therapist told me outright that my worries about not being a good enough parent were completely ill-founded. I told her about the things that I felt I needed to work on, and she kept telling me "Yeah. Parents get angry at their children. Children are annoying sometimes. Deal with it. You're OK." Which might be true, but I don't really enjoy walking around feeling, like, rageful (!) because my 2 year old child has just had his 4th temper tantrum in the last hour. So perhaps I need to find a therapist who has the same parenting values I have? Or maybe I need to explain myself better.

Here's a big one: i need to clean this fucking house and organize it in a way that makes it easy to keep clean. So often, the kids are all up in my hair because they just don't have any toys to play with. And they don't have toys to play with because the toys are once again spread out all over the house (and are currently in various boxes and bins as, in my attempt at reorganization, I have been picking things up off of the floor and putting them in boxes to "organize later"). I have yet to figure out how to convince m to keep his room clean, but he is helping a bit with chores now. It's just so hard to stay on top of things in this house. I had it organized for a long stretch last spring, but it all got away from me.

Admittedly, one of my biggest "problems" (and I'm not sure that it's a problem so much as a misprioritization) is that I have been in a writing mode for the last long while. So everything else really becomes secondary to getting my writing fix, either here or in my journal or wherever else it is that I spread the word. It's kind of strange that my POSITIVE, up mood might actually be causing some turbulence in the house...and it's more because of my lack of interest in cleaning than lack of interest in the kids. Like, the kids USUALLY come first (except at my designated writing times) and then comes my need to write, and my need to keep the house clean is dead last among all of these things. L does what he can, but he is not an organizer - he's more of a prep cleaner, which is a great help, but it doesn't solve the problem of me slacking.

So, I mean, I struggle with the idea that I should just stop putting writing at the top of my priority list for a little while and put cleaning and organizing up there, but there's this fear I have about that. Because there were so many years in there that I worked and took care of m and took care of the house and NEVER EVER wrote...and it was so easy to fall out of the habit and I was absolutely miserable. And I don't want that to happen again. This might not be a realistic fear, but it exists...and a solution must be reached.

Another thing I really need to work on is my focus. I need to really focus on what's happening at a given moment. i realized this so intensely yesterday when I was out back blowing bubbles with cy. Blowing bubbles is such a calm, relaxing thing to do, but all I could think about was how to transition from the bubble blowing into something else like hanging out the laundry or cleaning up the kitchen. I spent the entire time we were blowing bubbles FIGHTING BACK the urge to put an end to the bubble blowing! What's with that?! But I think I do that with a lot of stuff, and I think it's really bad for not only the kids but for me. I mean, certainly they must detect that I am not really concentrating on them, but the other things I "should" be doing. I'm not quite sure how to go about changing this tendency within myself. If it was just a matter of being mindful of it, that would be great, but I worry that it's so totally ingrained in who I am that it's going to be like quitting heroin or something.

Anyway, that's all I got right now. I'm going to publish this, and then come back and read it tomorrow. My action plan for right now is to just keep track of the positives and the negatives, and maybe write specifics down in my paper journal on a daily basis. Really give myself credit for what I'm doing right, and be brutally honest about where I'm fucking up. And maybe give it some context so I can figure out if there are certain settings or atmospheres that trigger specific behavior patterns on my part or the part of my children.

Wish me luck! I hope this was helpful to someone besides myself.

Posted at May 24, 2003 7:49 PM

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Comments

Again, I could have written this post almost word for word (although, rather than writing, mine is gardening and laundry...neither are bad..but those are the 2 things I am obsessing about lately).

I have been anything BUT gentle lately, even though that is where I WANT to be. I will have to come back to this tomorrow...imagine that, one of 4 kids needing something while I am trying to follow a train of though LOL

Posted by: skyra at May 24, 2003 10:41 PM

i so feel you on this. i sort of set up our space here at home so i could work in the living room and mini could play and i could stop what i was doing at the drop of a hat and read a story, or play on the floor for ten minutes and then pick up where i left off and we'd all be happy...

BUT...creativity is not something you can pick up and put back on like a switch, and when i'm really grooving on a project, the last thing i want to do is stop, even for ten minutes...

so i get resentful and snippy...it's a juggle...and i'm not sure i'll ever figure it out.

Posted by: pink at May 25, 2003 8:28 PM