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So much to write about, so little time...

July 15, 2008

My mind is abuzz.

There is work stuff and life stuff and love stuff and art stuff all floating around up there. Crowding and clamoring for attention. Maybe I can attempt to tackle this whole update thing one issue at a time. I keep vowing to make it a practice to create a personal blog post every day, whether it's one sentence or many paragraphs, to just recap my day for anyone who might be interested...but the days keep getting away from me, and then I end up with this whole jumble of updates.

First, I guess, is work stuff. I am teaching a blogging and social media class next week, and I am THRILLED about it. Writing the curriculum (in blog format, of course) is so exciting to me, because so much has changed since the last time I taught a blogging class. Everything is so much less linear now. There's more texture and nuance in social media, more things to hook people with. Every time I think I have made a complete list of all of the special interest social networking sites I can have my class explore, 3-4 new ones pop into my head. I sat in on one of our beginner classes yesterday. They were learning about the internet and people were asking those kind of "what's in it for me, and why should I care about this stuff" questions, and I got totally arm-wavey about exactly why they should care. I love it when our clients look at me like I am Nerd From Outer Space. hahaha. But I play the part so well, you would hardly guess I am just ACTING. :P

So, there is that. And even though there's a lot of stress at work, I feel like I am getting opportunities to grow and experiment, and I'm delighted by it. Along with this blogging class, I am supposed to write a media literacy curriculum of some sort. Just a 3 hour class that introduces the main things everyone needs to know about using the media for participation in social, professional, and political networks...WISELY. This is all very exciting to me.

So, we will see. This next semester at work is going to be rough. I'm glad I am getting to do the fun stuff now...it keeps me from focusing so much on the scary stuff that always comes from working for a non-profit. But, you know, my philosophy of late is "enjoy it while you have it, you will miss it when it's gone." And that's what I try to come back to whenever I'm knocked off balance by something or someone.

Which reminds me that I had another appointment with the kids' therapist yesterday. You know...thankfully I have a good friend who is not afraid to be a total ass to me and let me know with no uncertain terms when I am being avoidant and/or selfish. Between him and the therapist, I can't really hide from my problems...and even though it PISSES ME OFF (hahaha) I'm thankful for it. So I think I actually am going to work on these achievable goals and steps that I worked out yesterday.

My main problem is that I have a difficult time letting people in only part way. I guess I always thought people wanted all or nothing from ME all of the time, but it turns out that I think I generally choose to give all or nothing. I'm going to try this new thing called discretion (as evidenced by the fact that I'm blogging about it in a public space)...but I mean, with specific people in my life (mostly a specific person) I am going to attempt to have a very very casual relationship in which there is no engagement beyond what I am comfortable engaging in. This will make other people who have expectations of me happy, and it will keep me at a safe distance from this person who has been given multiple chances to participate in my life and has failed multiple times at doing so without causing significant damage. I have the next step to take, and I'm biding my time before I take it...but it feels good to have a step. And even though I am LOATHE to thank him for it, I am glad my pesky best friend pushed the issue with me. Fucker! hahaha.

Regarding love and life and art (which, in reality, is kind of all the same thing) I have been compelled to look back at some Kerouac. I need to read _Desolation Angels_ again. It's amazing to me how a book I read when I was 19 can illuminate some of the answers to issues I am facing now. And I HIGHLIGHTED passages. You see, when I was 19-20, a couple of friends of mine and I started a little long-distance book club. It was me and my friend John, who lived with me in chicago, and our mutual friend Christopher from Wichita. We would read a book, highlight the important passages, then pass it on to the next person. I think I still have all of the books. I'm pretty sure we did Birdy, Harold and Maude, The Bell Jar, and I had totally forgotten that we did Desolation Angels...but I think it was just two of us who did that one (we each used a different color highlighter). The passages I highlighted then...mean so much more to me now. I love it when I find those bread crumbs, and I love that who I essentially am has changed so little, even though I think I have evolved much in the ensuing years. At some point, I will post the passages, but suffice to say they are about letting go of things, and not trying to control that which can't ever be controlled. And how love is one of those things. And how much better it feels when I give up control of that...even though it's scary.

So I have been creating and feeling and experiencing with that in mind. And it's good. And even the sadness I sometimes feel...that's love, too, and therefore beyond my control. All I can do is feel it and sit with it and let it go.

I guess I am saying that all in all things are good. I probably could complain. I most likely DO complain...but right now, I see no reason to indulge in complainingness. hood. itude.

I hope you are well.

Posted at 8:35 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack (0)
Category: I am a nerd.

How's hope feeling today...

July 8, 2008

I am thinking about contentment. About how sometimes contentment keeps us in situations that we should not be in...and how sometimes contentment keeps us out of situations we should be in. I am thinking about the relativity of contentment, and how contentment can be a good thing, but can also be indicative of a fear of change. An unhealthy fear.

There is just such a fine line. It can be difficult to know when it's best to grin and bear it, and when it's better to make changes. And of course, I started thinking about this as it related to other people I know. You know...those OTHER people who are all walking around blindly screwing each other up and doing stupid shit that *I* would *never* (!) do! hahahaha.

But, you know how that goes. You can only sit on that limb for so long before you realize there's nothing holding it up, and before you know it, you have fallen down among the grit and dirt of *those* people because (you knew all along) you are doing the exact same thing you are criticizing from above.

Ha. Ah, well. As Maude (from Harold and Maude) would say about people "They're my species."

So I am thinking about this...safety. Safety in life. Safety in love. And contentment, which is a kin to safety, but perhaps not always.

It's funny how one trip to the therapist can reveal so much. She's a tricky one! She only had to ask one question, and I don't even think I answered it out loud. I don't have to reveal to her what I am working on in order for the work to bear fruit. She asked one question (which probably wasn't even a question) made one observation...and provided me with one, simple validation.

What I came away with was this: All of my life, almost every effort I have made to set boundaries with the people close to me has been nullified. The boundaries and barriers are bulldozed. It happened with my siblings, it happened with my parents, it happened with my lovers, with my husband...and it would have continued but for one thing...well, two things:

* I stopped trying to set boundaries
* I had children who force me to set boundaries and usually respect them

I am still working on figuring out what all of this means. I find it funny that though I am tempted to parent without limits and only deal in natural consequences, at least one of my children is constantly telling me he needs limits and consequences. So, I do step out of my comfort zone to provide him with those as necessary, although probably not as much as they would like. Perhaps there is some middle way.

And I'm not sure if I actually think it's necessarily bad to not set boundaries with the people I love. I find that it forces me to look at things from a wide variety of perspectives, and to really consider why people do the things they do. Of course, it also forces me to but up huge walls so I don't risk allowing too many people in at once. Because without barriers, it's kind of difficult to host a crowd. So, sometimes it feels lonely. And sometimes I don't get what I want because asking is a form of coercion in my world.

Most of the time, I am content with the way I am...but I am not sure if that is a contentment that keeps me from doing something better, or if it's a contentment that keeps me from doing something worse.

Posted at 10:32 AM • Comments (2) • TrackBack (0)
Category: I am a nerd.

Link Time!

June 29, 2008

Babies born by Caesarean Sections more prone to asthma.

I loved reading this article about modular homes in all of their flavors...

Encyclopedia Brittanica gets wiki with it.

Looking for a reusable water bottle that won't give you cancer?

I am totally getting this game. hahaha.

I don't think I ever linked this article about the winter soldier testimony on the west coast, but it's amazing to me that this hasn't been more widely reported on. It was especially troubling to see the video footage of the hearings...

Here's a fun site - convert any unit measurement into something more tangible. [via lifehacker]

I recently had to wipe a hard drive due to a crash. This little app would have come in handy...

This book looks interesting...

Posted at 3:01 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack (0)
Category: Linky Links

Some favorited links...

June 15, 2008

Here's what I've been favoriting these days:

Top 10 Muppet Show clips. via

Michael Pollan comments on the recently-passed farm bill.

Watching this McCain speech made my inner speech critic declare that it will move to Canada at least until this election cycle is over with. If McCain wins, it will be looking to wed a hunky Canuck's inner speech writer to gain citizenship. I hear that's legal there. Any takers?

Word Count Analyzer, analyzes word frequency. :)

This is kind of old news, but I always love Mr. Rowland's perspective.

“Our galaxy isn't as messy as many thought,” says Dame, of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics. “What we have found is evidence of some balance and order, like the yin and yang of Chinese philosophy.” (source)

The coverage of these hearings was absolutely chilling.

Top 10 Computing energy savers.

Posted at 11:21 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack (0)
Category: Linky Links

Some favorited links for you...

May 6, 2008

Just a bit of a link dump post, because I'm not feeling hyper mega creative right now...and my life is kind of too weird to share much lately.

Via tiffany brown on Twitter, Garfield Minus Garfield. Hahahaha.

***

Twisty is still calling it like she sees it:

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: because of Dude Nation’s successful propaganda campaign, most women wouldn’t be feminists with a 10 foot pole, and the few who buck this trend are required to spend 83.7% of their time begging the citizenry to believe that they don’t hate men and aren’t crazy.

***

On a different note, tittyshakers is the home of the sleazy sound. (via Miss Martini, who copped it off of the ubiquitous Tiffany Brown!)

***
I pretty much disagree with everything she says, but I thought this was an interesting post nonetheless. I just can't wrap my head around the whole "elitist" argument when it comes to Obama. And to somehow make the claim that the Obama camp is nurturing the racial divide intentionally to cover up the fact that he's not in touch with working class voters kind of makes my head want to explode.

***
I guess that's it for today. :)

Posted at 11:18 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack (0)
Category:

The first time I heard Chumbawamba...

May 2, 2008

It was the summer of 1988. Probably the turning point of my life...or one of them. I was 18 and sitting in the back seat of someone's car. It was probably my car, and I was probably being driven around Chicago by one of my friends, while the rest of the passengers joked and laughed and talked about various things. I had my nose in a book I had just bought at Powell's. I had pulled it at random from the shelves, saw illustrations by Sue Coe, and decided I had to read it. That book was _Narcissism and Death_ by Mariarosa Sclauzero, which is an experimental prose book about the human psyche, love, ethics, beauty, narcissism...and death. ha. It was fascinating to me, because it was written in a sort of ADD skipping from one topic to the next style that seemed to be a salvation in terms of setting an example for a type of novel I could actually write. I have never been very linear...and I am not good at envisioning and bringing to life meticulously accurate story lines from beginning to end with any amount of cohesion.

At any rate, I had my nose in that book when we turned on to Kenmore street. I remember the name of the street because people were talking about Kenmore appliances or something. Maybe the topic of washing machines came up. Maybe someone was talking about duds and suds, the new bar/laundromat that we always talked about going to, but always ended up dragging bags and bags of dirty clothes to my moms house in the suburbs, anyway...on those weekends we would go back for shows at Dirty Nellies and, later, mcGregor's.

So we parked somewhere on Kenmore to visit with my roommates boyfriend Erich "Fish" Blocher, and his roommate Warren "Fish" Fisher. They were two men who shared an apartment and a nickname. Warren was fish for obvious reason, and I believe he played bass for screeching weasel for awhile and was in a band called Ozzfish or The Ozzfish Experience...although I recently chatted with my other old roommate and we can't for the life of us figure out who the Ozz in Ozzfish was. Erich was nicknamed fish for reasons unknown. He was a tall, goofy, John Denvery looking guy with round glasses and a sort of hippie, laid back demeanor. He was living in the other Fish's closet at the time. I remember laying on the pillows on the floor and looking up at the chain that hung from the bare lightbulb in the closet. there was a long string tied to the end of the chain as a means of extension "Because I am too lazy to stand up to turn it off at night." said fish.

And as I lay there, with my nose still in Narcissism and Death, one of the fishes made me a tape of the Chumbawamba lp _Pictures of Starving Children Sell Records_ because I just HAD to listen to it over and over again. And I have. And I still do. It is kind of a masterpiece.

And when I hear Chumbawamba now, I think of that day. I think of being driven, nose in book, refrigerators, washing machines, lightbulbs and fish and fish and fish's closet. And I think of black and white ink drawings and songs about anarchy and I think about Pictures of Starving Children and Narcissism and Death. And the richness and clarity of these memories amazes me always.

Posted at 10:37 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack (0)
Category: I am a nerd.

Thinking about Rev. Jeremiah Wright...

April 27, 2008

Moyers did an interview with the Reverend Jeremiah Wright that I thought was just spectacular. The whole Wright/Obama backlash thing really sticks in my craw. First of all, because...seriously...if they are going to start holding all candidates accountable for the opinions of others, I am sure there are a few other politicians whose pastors, reverends, AND FAMILY MEMBERS espouse racist and sexist bullshit that is far more offensive to me than anything Wright could come up with. And what is more damning to America than that, god damnit!?

*Edited to clarify* I have been trying to find a way to convey the above idea without implying that Wright's comments were racist. I don't think they were. What I was instead saying is that the racism and sexism that is expressed around the dinner table in many families is more offensive than the alleged "Anti-American" sentiments expressed by Wright in his much-publicized PORTION of a speech.

Posted at 1:02 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack (0)
Category: politics

Vote!

April 21, 2008

Hey everyone...

One of the things I am most thankful for in my life right now is the presence of an amazing creative partner who inspires and surprises me.

A few weeks ago, I got an email from him asking if we should try to participate in this radiohead/aniboom video animation contest, and even though I don't really consider myself to be much of a visual artist, I couldn't turn down the opportunity to embark on a creative adventure with him.

So, I am pleased to announce our entry into the storyboard phase of the contest. We chose Weird Fishes because the story was evocative and, well, speaking for myself...because fish are relatively easy to draw. hahaha.

If you like the storyboard, it would be awesome if you would vote. I know it's a pain in the ass to sign up for a website to vote for something, but it'd be rad if you would. :)

Whether you do or not, I hope you enjoy the storyboard at least. It represents 3 weeks of brainstorming, chalking, pep talking, nagging, more brainstorming, more making a chalky mess of myself and everything around me, and lots and lots of wonderful creative processing...

I am looking forward to more of the same, for as long as I am fortunate to have such a wonderful artistic collaborator in my life.

Here's the video:

Watch more cool animation and creative cartoons at aniBoom

You can go here to vote for it:

http://www.aniboom.com/Player.aspx?v=206718

Posted at 12:14 AM • Comments (1) • TrackBack (0)
Category: I am a nerd.

read this.

April 20, 2008

I don't really have anything to add to this LiP Magazine article, Uh-Obama:

Note, never has a white politician been confronted with questions about his or her ability to transcend race, or specifically, their whiteness. And this is true, even as many white politicians continue to pull almost all of their support from whites, and have almost no luck at convincing people of color to vote for them. In the Democratic primaries this year, Obama has regularly received about half the white vote, while Hillary Clinton has managed to pull down only about one-quarter of the black vote, yet the question has always been whether he could transcend race. The only rational conclusion to which this points is, again, that it is not race per se that needs to be overcome, but blackness. Whiteness is not seen as negative, as something to be conquered or transcended. Indeed, whereas blacks are being asked to rise above their racial identity, for whites, the burden is exactly the opposite: the worst thing for a white person is to fail to live up to the ostensibly high standards set by whiteness; it is to be considered white trash, which is to say, to be viewed as someone who has let down whiteness and fallen short of its pinnacle. For blacks, the worst thing it seems (at least in the minds of whites) is to be seen as black, which is no doubt why so many whites think it's a compliment to say things to black folks like, "I don't even think of you as black," not realizing that the subtext of such a comment is that it's a damned good thing they don't, for if they did, the person so thought of would be up the proverbial creek for sure.

Posted at 5:11 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack (0)
Category: race

So I have been thinking a lot...

April 19, 2008

...about what I leave behind. Not in a bullshit business productivity training "leaving a legend" way, but more like keeping track of where I am and where I want to be. What I have tried...all of the different ways I have tried to live my life.

And the thing is, I am happiest with my life right now in this moment...in this era. But, you know how it is when you feel you have something to lose - suddenly it seems as though you have everything to protect, and it's easy to start wondering if maybe it's not easier to have nothing at all.

The other day I twittered: Grateful 5: fun kids, rewarding career, adventurous lover, inspiring creative partner, and freedom in all these relationships. Why complain? And I meant it. Maybe the reason I am tempted to complain is that it all seems a little too good, and when things seem easy, I have a difficult time relaxing and enjoying. It's that old working class work ethic of "if you ain't sweating, it ain't work." (actually, I just made that up, I think...but I know that's how I feel) I have a tendency to feel like if my life isn't difficult or complicated in some way, I'm being somehow lazy.

I really need to stop that. hahaha. I do have all of those things I am thankful for, and then some, and I do feel fortunate for it. That is not to say there aren't plenty of things that I don't have...but the things I DO have keep me quite busy. My life is full, busy, and productive. I need to stop worrying about looking for more, more, more.

This spring in Austin has been the nicest I can remember. Every night is cool, every morning brisk and sunny and bursting with the sounds of doves and other birds I can hear through my open windows. The trees seemed to go from bud to full foliage overnight. I missed the unfolding...but there is always next spring to witness that.

Posted at 10:39 AM • Comments (0) • TrackBack (0)
Category: I am a nerd.

Blogging about NOT blogging

April 18, 2008

So, it seems I never blog anymore. I was actually thinking about it today, because I read an article that I wanted to blog about...and it took me like 30 minutes to fully read the article, and then about 3 hours to get over how depressed it made me feel. And by the time I got to the end of that 3 hours, I was listening to Abba when I should have been blogging, and all I wanted to do was rock out to "Dancin' Queen" Who has time for blogging?

Oh, wait...that's what I am doing now. Haha. This blog will now be delayed while its author rocks out to Dancin' Queen. Feel the beat of that tambourine, baby!!!

**PAUSE**

I'm not sure why, but it seems like it's been awhile since I have had some alone time that I have actually enjoyed. Lately, I have felt a lot of pressure to be socially active and datingly inclined. I think that's what bothered me about that article I read. It was some single mother ranting about how you should settle for a man while you are young because by the time you are smart enough to realize you need a man to take care of certain more practical, less romantic needs, you will be too old and ugly to attract a good one.

Yes, I know I'm oversimplifying a bit...but not a lot. If you really feel like you want to read the entire article, you can find it here.

I think the thing that really got to me is that, yes I do occasionally worry about my future if I don't find some sort of partner to share the practical burden of day to day living and growing old. But I don't necessarily think that's productive, nor do I think "settling" for someone or some specific type of relationship or lifestyle is going to necessarily ensure my future will be less burdensome on the whole. The author of the article seems to feel that a healthy response to a fear of being alone is to, as she reports, remain in a relationship that would prompt someone to say "“You’re so lucky, you don’t have to have sex with someone you don’t want to.”

Because, you know, at least the woman who is having unwilling sex HAS a MAN!

Jesus fucking Christ. I don't think I have anything to add to that. I'm just going to play a bunch of '80's music in my house alone, and be happy that my fear of facing a future in which I am potentially alone for eternity exempts me from coercive sex. Suddenly being single doesn't seem like a bad thing at all.

Posted at 10:08 PM • Comments (3) • TrackBack (0)
Category: I am a nerd.

Random old news from my "favorites"

March 22, 2008

Just a few things I have favorited these past few weeks. I have been out of town and haven't been updating or reading a whole lot of feeds (although I did stay in a hotel room with CABLE(!) so I was actually able to keep up with goings-on.)

Anyway...on to the linky links:

From WePO, via Crooks and Liars - McCain doesn't know who we're fighting in Iraq. Brilliant.

Ding at Bitch, PhD asks some important questions about the mainstream media's (and white America's) fear of an angry black man.

Science Daily had a string of interesting articles last week. First, Does Touch Affect Flavor was a report on how the sense of touch can affect how things taste.

This was amusing to me, because I sincerely do choose my wine based primarily on the design of the label, and anything with a bear or a bird wins out just about every time.

I just love seeing the word "tightwad" used in a scientific capacity. hahaha.

The ideology of consumer technology describes four different ideological mindsets which inform our experience of technological advancements.

I bookmarked this one right before leaving on vacation. The concept of charity organizations who fund vacations for disadvantaged children and adults is intriguing to me. I have always found it extremely valuable to get the Hell out of Dodge for a bit as often as possible. Glad to know there's a pseudo-scientific explanation for that.

Heather Corrina, as usual, delivers a poignant peep into her life as a reproductive services counselor. I'm thankful she's able to find a way to disclose the stories she does without compromising the identiies of her clients. To me, posts like these are why blogs are so powerful in terms of bringing people to an understanding of issues from an intensely personal perspective.

And, with that, I think I'm going to step away from the computer for a bit and see what sorts of life I can observe on this lazy Saturday. I hope you all are well...Take care.

Posted at 4:37 PM • Comments (0) • TrackBack (0)
Category: Linky Links